Dear spouses on dependent visas,
you are going through your first or second
winter in the USA; even though we are in March, this long and cold season is not
over yet. You feel the length, coldness and solitude of this season more
than anyone else.
Time passes very
slowly when you have to stay home all day either because there is nowhere to go
or simply because of the weather. In this desolate surrounding it is way too
easy to become apathetic and slip into depression. The TV set becomes your best
and only friend and you waste your days away. What can you do to get out of that miserable state? I wish I had a quick and painless solution but I can only share
with you some things I tried and helped me somehow.
Organize your day:
you don't have to
run on a military schedule but it is nice to have different things to do during
the day and dedicate each activity no more than a couple of hours. I realize
now how important it was for me to be linear with my schedule. I coped
relatively well the first two years when I was doing several things. However, the
moment we relocated somewhere else and I lost all my reference points I closed
up and stay home all day. It was the beginning of the end. So, don't make the
mistake to park yourself on the sofa and watch TV. You must fill in your days.
Do activities you enjoy doing or that are good for you:
In the morning I
loved going to the gym or pool, I would alternate between group classes and
doing laps. The sport club was within walking distance from where I lived and I
made it a habit to go there almost every day. It was extremely beneficial to do
physical exercises because I felt relaxed in my mind. Besides I was able to
network with people who introduced me to other activities and groups I joined
in. I spent also a great deal of time in the kitchen baking and cooking. I had
the time for my hobby and I took the chance to experiment new and elaborated
recipes. I regret saying that now, since I am back home, I don't do anything of
that sort, which after all is really a shame.
Also doing house
chores had its advantage...it forced me to get up and do some movements around
the house. I have always preferred to be tired because of physical work rather
than mental fatigue, therefore any chance I had to move around I welcomed it
despite some initial resistance.
Then I spent time
reading and watching movies. I'll have to admit I watched more TV than I meant
but sometimes I needed to hear noises in the background. However, as I said
before, we lived in an area that had its shares of weather related issues, so
when we were out of power, I kept busy working on my jigsaw puzzles. And I have
quite a collection now!
Music therapy:
Music is important
to me from the moment I get up. I need to hear cheerful tunes, music and songs
to set me off the right foot. I realized the moment the radio would play some
slow cheek to cheek music I would feel awfully down. All that moaning, weeping
and crying makes me run to the window and howl too!! Not a nice thing to hear!!
I needed something that would give me energy, recharge me, open my mind and
soul and above all make me think positive.
Of course it is a
matter of personal taste, but for me what worked well was contemporary music
played on the radio, some U2, disco music of the 70s and 80s, jazz and
also some classic music. Avoid slow, romantic music! You will end up in a
spiral of gloom and depression. Also every song with memories attached leads
you to treacherous grounds so avoid it. You have got the picture now for your
new compilation: Village People in, the Platters out!!
Movie therapy:
Romantic movies
will only worsen your condition, you already cried enough watching Ghost when you were fine, now that you are
lonely probably you don't need that level of empathy.
A good laugh is
better than any medicine, release the muscles of your face and laugh, the
louder the better. All the comedies you can think of are definitely in, the
rest is sooo out!
Here are some
comedies I loved watching: Meet the Parents (the first two are by far my
favorite), Anger Management, Along came Polly, and the list
can go on. I found out that I needed light hearted, brainless movies that kept
me entertained and nothing else. I don't even mind watching old comedies like
an oldie by Disney's The Parent Trap but I watched it so many times, I know
it by heart. Sit-coms are also in, just avoid those programs where death and
misery are the main subject.
People therapy:
socialize and meet
people. Going out with them gives you a chance to learn more about the place
where you live and spend time together with someone who is in your own shoes.
That's empathy! Even your family and friends back home can't understand what
you are going through. You need real people around you to share the good and
the bad moments.
Most spouses spend
a good deal of time on Skype with their own folks. This is all nice and
wonderful however it won't make you feel any better, possibly even more
homesick and people on the other side can't do too much for you. What I am
trying to say is to avoid spending hours on Skype and relate more to the people
who are around you. Sharing my experience with other women in the same situation
helped me to put everything into perspective. I was not alone after all.
What else?
If you feel like
sharing what has helped you just let me know! I am only a click away.
The list as you can
see is very subjective but if it can help you, I am very happy.
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